so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
