I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
she woke up with a sticky ear
Only a mothe r could love this liver
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
