I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
