Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
