Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
