i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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