Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Mom said you looked used
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
