so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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