I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
