i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
