"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We were destined to go to rehab together
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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