I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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