Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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