your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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