I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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