I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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