Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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