I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
