I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
