I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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