so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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