and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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