I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
