She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I think I am morally bankrupt
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
