hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
