I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
you had me at cake vodka
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
