I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
