I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I didn't notice because vodka
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
