at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
