Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
