I wish you could order shots online.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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