Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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