neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize