I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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