Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
