I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Randomize
