Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
