I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
