we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
