Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
