are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
