I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
