yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
