Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
