i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
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