I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
