when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You can't just leave with hair like that
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
