Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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