I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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