where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
