Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i think i have two assholes
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
