I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
