i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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