Please don't use social media to get back at me.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
