guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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