He asked to "fluff my boner.."
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
