My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
