i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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