i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
