oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
