I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
