Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
