Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
