i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
